Pity Party!

Well, one of my nurses is having a baby shower next weekend. She gave me an invitation. I should be excited for her and excited to go. I'm not. I am having a hard time getting over the bitterness of not being able to have anymore children. I know that Brianna is a wonderful blessing that God has given us. I am very grateful that we have our beautiful daughter. I should be completely content with one healthy child. I guess I feel that I am a failure to my husband, myself, and Brianna. Jason for not being able to give him more children, Brianna for not blessing her with a brother or sister, and myself as a woman(I guess). Everyone says, "just adopt". Do you really think that it is that easy? If you do, let me know how. I refuse to adopt from an agency here in the US. I feel like it is such a business now that they are almost "selling" babies. I really like some of the programs that are out there though. It is basically just getting the money($20,000-$30,000). China has a great program. There is also a program here in Texas that is the African american and biracial children program(ABC program). Both are around $20,000. Then Jason and I talk and I think he is perfectly content with one child. She is getting really independent. She dresses herself, feeds herself, bathes her own body(minus the hair), and helps clean her own room. She is great! I on the other hand, would love one more child. Brianna asks, "when will you have a baby in your tummy? When will I have a brother or sister" Then I say, "you won't" UGH! It sucks. So anyway, I guess I am having a bitter day today. Sorry! I know that if it is in our plan, there will be child brought into our lives and us into his or hers.